Why “Let Them” Isn’t Enough
By Marci
In early 2024, Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory gained viral traction. The premise was simple but radical for many professionals: stop trying to control how others see you. Let people misunderstand, walk away, or disengage, and don’t chase, fix, or over-explain.
It struck a nerve, especially with high achievers. Many saw themselves in the chronic overfunctioning that Robbins was implicitly calling out. Professionals who had built careers on performance, perfection, and people-pleasing were suddenly being offered a permission slip to let go. The appeal was immediate. The implementation? Far more complex.
Why Awareness Isn’t Enough
Behavioral change doesn’t begin with belief. It begins with biology.
While the theory gave people psychological permission to release control, most found themselves unable to act on it. Not because they lacked insight, but because their nervous systems were wired for survival, not surrender.
For high performers, patterns like overdelivering, hypervigilance, and self-erasure are not simply habits. They are adaptive responses rooted in a dysregulated autonomic nervous system.
The Science Behind the Struggle
A growing body of research backs this up. According to Polyvagal Theory, developed by neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges, our ability to engage, connect, and set boundaries is governed by the state of our nervous system, not just mindset.
When the body is in a chronic sympathetic state (fight or flight), even healthy behaviors, like saying no, slowing down, or detaching, can feel unsafe.
“The ability to feel safe in proximity to others and in a state of social engagement is foundational for health, growth, and restoration.”
— Stephen Porges, The Polyvagal Theory (2011)
Studies confirm this. Chronic stress changes how we perceive threat and safety. It’s why overachievers may intellectually understand the value of boundaries, but still feel hijacked by guilt, fear, or compulsive overcommitment when they try to set them
(Dana, 2021; Lieberman et al., 2007).
In short, “Let Them” is a powerful insight. But insight alone cannot override a nervous system wired for performance over peace.
The Focus Reset Method™: Where “Let Them” Becomes Embodied
In my coaching work with executives and high-performing professionals, this gap is what we address in The External Journey: Regulate Phase of the Focus Reset Method™.
This is the phase where Robbins’ theory stops being a quote to repost and starts becoming a skill to embody. We use evidence-based tools from:
Polyvagal Theory
Somatic coaching
Behavioral psychology
Nervous system regulation protocols
To help clients:
Identify the physiological signs of dysregulation (racing thoughts, irritability, over-commitment, rumination)
Use nervous-system-based tools (like vagal toning, interoception, and controlled breathing) to return to safety
Rewire beliefs that equate worth with output, or connection with sacrifice
Build a new identity that leads from calm clarity instead of anxious urgency
This is not about becoming passive. It’s about learning how to act without reactivity. It’s about training your body to recognize safety, not just success.
3 Research-Backed Ways to Start Practicing “Let Them”
If you’ve resonated with the “Let Them” mindset, but find yourself unable to act on it, here are three ways to start integrating it at a biological level:
1. Name the Activation
When your body reacts (tight chest, clenched jaw, racing mind), label it. Research shows that affect labeling reduces amygdala activity, helping you shift from reaction to regulation (Lieberman et al., 2007).
2. Use a Grounding Protocol
Try the physiological sigh: two short inhales through the nose, followed by one long exhale through the mouth. This technique, studied by Dr. Andrew Huberman at Stanford, activates the parasympathetic system and reduces physiological stress in under two minutes.
3. Track Safety, Not Just Triggers
Instead of only noting what stresses you, start documenting when you let go and feel safe. Who were you with? What were you doing? Reinforcing those moments helps your brain learn that it’s possible to release without consequence.
Mel Sparked the Shift. But Your Body Has to Carry It.
“Let Them” is an important mental reframe. But real transformation happens when your body believes you’re safe without being perfect, needed, or hyperavailable.
That’s where the Focus Reset Method™ comes in. It’s not just productivity coaching. It’s nervous system rehabilitation for high achievers who want to stop white-knuckling their way through life.
We help you move from:
Overthinking to embodied clarity
Chronic urgency to calm authority
High performance that depletes, to high impact that sustains
If you're ready to go from compulsive control to embodied leadership, book a Discovery Call with me today and learn how the Focus Reset Method™ will change how you show up at work, for yourself and for your family.
References:
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. Norton.
Dana, D. (2021). Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Sounds True.
Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). “Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity in Response to Affective Stimuli.” Psychological Science.
Huberman, A. D. (2022). “Mastering Stress: Tools to Calm Your Mind.” Huberman Lab Podcast, Stanford School of Medicine.